


Stand Through the Pain, You Won't Drown

by GetMcDunkedOn



Series: Pheromones n Bones [3]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: EMDR, Fellswap Gaster (Undertale), Fellswap Papyrus (Undertale) - Freeform, Fellswap Papyrus/Fellswap Sans/Underswap Sans (Undertale), Fellswap Sans (Undertale) - Freeform, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Multi, Parent/Child Incest, Past Child Abuse, Therapy, Underswap Sans (Undertale), hypnotherapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 14:53:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29886234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GetMcDunkedOn/pseuds/GetMcDunkedOn
Summary: In which Howl's healing begins in earnest.
Relationships: Papyrus/Sans (Undertale), Sans/Sans (Undertale)
Series: Pheromones n Bones [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2148276
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	Stand Through the Pain, You Won't Drown

**Author's Note:**

> This is neatly slotted right after chapter 21 of Omega's Respite (which is the most recent!). I didn't put it in the main story mostly because it was just me writing it, and it's too short to be its own chapter, but I wanted to showcase this kind of therapy (EMDR is a real thing, and I did research on it), and show what kind of progress Howl will be making. Bonus that Berry should be making the same progress with nesting soon!
> 
> Chapter tags: therapy, flashback to rape and injury (in a blockquote, it's not super graphic but it's there)

Even with the process explained to death during the first session, Howl couldn’t help but be nervous as he followed the psychotherapist bat - his name was Myotis - back into his office for the first session with actual eye movement. He wouldn’t necessarily be in an altered state of mind; that was the difference between this and regular hypnotherapy. So it was, at least in his opinion, safer to do with a stranger. And in any event, the stranger was a licensed professional and had no reason to take advantage of him. Besides, all he had to do was yell loud enough and Daemon would come tearing in from the waiting room where he was snuggling Berry, ready to tear apart anybody who had harmed his master. And that was reassuring, though he knew another ‘episode’ would be a press nightmare and not good for Daemon’s psyche, it was a failsafe he could count on if the worst happened.

But the worst would not happen. He was here to be treated, to get better, to finally be able to touch his lovers without feeling like his bones were going to burst into flames or fall apart in a heap. He was here to be helped, and the least he could do was trust in this well-meaning bat monster with a terrible sense of vision but a very polite, professional air about him.

He sat himself down in the chair provided when they arrived, and Myotis closed the door behind them. He felt his way to his desk and poked around for his equipment, which he set out in front of Howl. 

“Now then,” he said, pushing up his glasses, “I use a few different methods based on what the client is comfortable with. I believe you had no problem with visual stimulus?”

“THAT IS CORRECT,” Howl replied, lacing his fingers together. He felt the soft fabric of the cotton, reassuring in between his bones.

“Good. I use this box here with a light that goes back and forth, because these sessions are long and it’s easier on my hands. I assure you, it’s just as effective. But I also have it set up to work with headphones, so that you hear a beep on either side in time with the light going to either side. Double the stimulus is not academically necessary, but for some clients, it helps them feel like the therapy is working better. Do you want to do it that way, or just have visuals?”

He considered that. He wasn’t much one to listen to music with headphones, so he wasn’t used to the feel, but on the other hand, it didn’t bother him. And if it was more effective - or even if he just thought it was more effective, because placebos could still work even when one was aware of the placebo - that outweighed any idle thought of the inconvenience of the equipment.

“I CAN DO BOTH. THAT DOESN’T BOTHER ME.”

“You’re certain?”

“YES, DOCTOR.”

Myotis smiled, plugging in the headphones. “You don’t have to call me that, my name is just fine. Of course, if you’d prefer to call me doctor, that is also fine.”

“ALRIGHT. THANK YOU, MR. MYOTIS.”

The bat fiddled a bit more with the equipment, then handed over the headphones. “Now, before we begin, let’s review how the session will go. This is a fifty minute session. I do sometimes do 90-minute sessions, but you’re already coming in twice a week, and while this kind of therapy works quickly, you need time to process it and let it work. It won’t do to overwhelm yourself.”

“I UNDERSTAND.”

“Do you have your relaxation techniques down in case you start to get overwhelmed? That may happen a few times during the course of the treatment.”

“YES, MY BROTHER AND I WERE PRACTICING BREATHING EXERCISES TOGETHER. AND I HAVE MY SOFTEST GLOVES ON. ALSO, I BROUGHT MY PHONE WITH ME. I HAVE MUSIC THAT HELPS ME RELAX. IS THAT OKAY?”

“Good, good. Yes, if we have to pause for a few minutes while you play music, that is fine. Don’t worry, I won’t judge you for your music tastes. Much.” The bat smiled, clearly trying to appear more friendly and make a joke. Howl appreciated it, allowing a polite chuckle in response. He kept brushing his fingers together for a moment, before forcing himself to touch the headphones again.

“ANYTHING ELSE?”

“Ah, yes, before we start the session proper, just remember that you don’t have to detail things to me if you don’t wish to. You can talk as little or as much as you’d like, but the important thing is to focus on the imagery of the trauma and your related feelings and bodily reactions from the viewpoint of the present time. Not reliving these memories, only recalling and processing them. What was the negative thought we identified for these first few sessions?”

Howl traced the band of the headphones a little, looking down at it instead of the bat. “THAT TOUCH IS BAD AND HURTS ME.”

“And what was the positive belief you wish to replace that with?”

“THAT IT IS SAFE TO TOUCH WHOM I PLEASE AND IT WILL NOT HURT ME.”

“Good, yes. Alright. Go ahead and put the headphones on.”

He did so, lifting them up over his skull to settle the pads neatly on his acoustic meatus. They weren’t totally noise-cancelling, so when the doctor spoke again, he could hear just fine, if a little muffled.

“I’m going to turn it on now, alright? Ready? Make sure to move your gaze without turning your head.”

“RIGHT. I’M READY.”

Myotis turned on the boxy machine he had, and a light appeared at the center. It wasn’t overly bright, so it didn’t hurt to look at it. As it started to go from side to side, he forced his gaze to follow. The beeps on either side coming from the headphones synced up perfectly. As directed, Howl pictured the ‘image’ he had chosen to represent this particular trigger - though it was less one still image and more an entire session, as it were. It was a memory from one of the younger years, when he still cried and tried to avoid doing what Serpens ordered of him.

> _His father pinning him down on the bed, pressing his face against the pillow in irritation as he wiggled helplessly. The magic he’d been forced to make was being abused, purple shining through the blue. It was only pain, no part of it felt good like it supposedly did to Father. He kept thrashing, knowing if he didn’t give up, Father would just keep holding him down until he passed out from lack of oxygen and keep going._
> 
> _“Hold still, you insolent thing, you know I’ll make it worse if you keep disobeying me.”_
> 
> _Father’s voice was serious, always was, and it wasn’t an empty threat. Still, it hurt so bad, the touch like fire on his bones. He fought enough to get his head up, desperation in his voice._
> 
> _“stop it, it hurts, i hate you!”_
> 
> _Abruptly, his head wasn’t being pushed down anymore. But instead, that hand grabbed his jaw, pried his mouth open wide. Too wide. Too hard._
> 
> _“You will never fight back against me again.”_
> 
> _The pain doubled. His tiny body being impaled was bad enough, but as Father’s hand wrenched down, his face split open too, jagged cracks breaking apart the bone as he screamed._

He blinked twice as the light and beep stopped, the bat watching him carefully.

“Let your mind wander a moment. How do you feel?”

Howl forced himself to loosen his death grip on the arms of the chair, his claws leaving tiny marks. He didn’t panic as bad as he might have expected, but he was definitely shaken up.

“I… I NEED A MOMENT,” he said, having to fight a little harder than usual to make his voice strong and uppercase. Myotis nodded, taking a few notes on his computer while Howl calmed down.

"Are you scared? Panicked? Disgusted?" Myotis prompted gently, when Howl's breathing was a bit more steady.

"...PANICKED AND AFRAID, YES. LIKE I WANT TO CURL UP INTO A BALL AND CRY." Another deep breath before he ventured, “AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK OF GOOD THINGS NOW?”

“You don’t need to think of anything in particular in between. In fact, it’s better if you try not to force yourself to think of anything specific. Your mind must rewire, and to do that, it will break apart associations on its own. That is the reprocessing part.”

“RIGHT. YES. OKAY.”

“We can talk, if you would like. You could talk about the image during, and then whatever else you think of when I turn it off.”

“THAT WILL HELP?”

“It might, but you are not obligated to share the details.” He set his hand on the machine again. “Ready to keep going?”

Howl took another deep breath. “YES. I AM FINE. I WILL SPEAK A LITTLE, IF IT MAY HELP.”

“If you wish.” He turned the machine back on, and once more, Howl focused on the back and forth motion of the light and the beeps. He wasn’t completely sure what to say, but after a moment, he settled on what his mind had led to.

“HE DIDN’T DO MUCH WITH MY HANDS. OCCASIONALLY, I DID HAVE TO DO THE TOUCHING, BUT IT WAS NOT OFTEN. IT’S FRUSTRATING THAT EVEN HAND HOLDING MAKES MY BODY FEEL LIKE IT’S BEING SCORCHED. I ONLY WISH TO COMFORT THEM, BUT THERE HE IS IN MY MIND. I KILLED HIM WITH MY HANDS, I KNOW THEY HAVE POWER. YET IT IS AS IF… I EXPECT HIM TO COME BACK.”

Myotis typed a little more, listening carefully. “Did you get physically burned?”

“NO, BUT HE WAS EXTREMELY HOT WHEN HE WAS ANGRY. THE DRAGON HERITAGE, I SUPPOSE. IT ISN’T THE TEMPERATURE, THOUGH. JUST THE PAIN. I WAS SMALL. HE WAS BIG. HIS CLAWS HURT, HIS TEETH HURT, AND THE ACT HURT. HE WASN’T GENTLE. I WAS BRUISED MOST MORNINGS AFTER. MOTHER PRETENDED NOT TO NOTICE. HE DID LIKE TO TOUCH THE BRUISES LATER.”

He fell silent, thinking about that. The brushes even during the day, the gleaming looks Father gave, the whispered promises when he felt like warning Howl in advance. Once, he decided to have fun at Howl’s expense at the dinner table, his hand reaching underneath the table, his expression promising pain if Howl so much as squeaked. That was after the broken jaw. He didn’t squeak. There was still pain.

The next time Myotis turned the light off, he wasn’t quite as tense. Still a little tense, taking slow, deliberate breaths, again lacing his fingers together to feel the cotton. He reported that he wasn't as afraid, but still nervous. His body defaulted to fight or flight, and it took a moment for him to ease back out of that reaction.His thoughts drifted to Berry, the disappointment on his face whenever Howl had to refuse to hold hands. Berry never said anything to argue, never pleaded, but he was always quietly sad about it, and knowing he had let down his sweet lover was always painful. He felt weak then, helpless. For a brief moment, he couldn’t help but compare Berry’s desire for those simple touches, his disappointment when Howl couldn’t acquiesce, to his mother’s disappointment, her jealousy, her quiet passive-aggression. The thought was so horrifying that he shoved it away.

“IT’S REASONABLE TO WANT TO TOUCH YOUR DATEMATE,” he said aloud, telling himself it was true. “EVEN IF THEY ARE SAD WHEN I CAN’T, NOT PRESSURING ME SHOWS THAT THEY CARE. RIGHT? THEY WON’T FORCE ME.”

“No,” Myotis agreed. “Your datemates love and care for you. Even I can see that much.”

Howl relaxed a little more with that reassurance. stopping his fidgeting with the gloves. “I AM OKAY TO CONTINUE.”

* * *

He lost track of time. After the first few more visceral reactions, it got easier. Myotis turned the light and beeps off less, only gently coaxing him to focus on related topics once or twice, to make sure the re-wiring was working. Eventually, he turned the machine off one last time and stood up.

“That is enough for one session, you can take those off.”

Howl obeyed, pulling the headphones off. He felt a little scattered, almost dizzy, but not quite. He handed them back but didn’t stand yet, just taking a moment to ground himself.

“AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL… SPACEY?”

“It is common, yes. Your mind just did a lot of work cleaning and healing itself. Could you tell me your positive thought again?”

“IT’S SAFE TO TOUCH WHOM I PLEASE, AND IT WON’T HURT ME.”

“How true do you feel that is now? Not academically, but emotionally.”

Howl thought about it, about pulling off his gloves to grasp Daemon and Berry’s hands. The thought didn’t come with the usual recoil of disgust. There was unease, for sure, and a trickle of dread. But it was different now.

“I THINK… IT IS… MORE TRUE. I CAN TOUCH MY LOVERS, AND THEY WON’T HURT ME…”

“Good. I didn’t expect perfection after one session. We will continue with this topic on Monday. Make sure to use your relaxation techniques as well, and keep up with your therapist.”

“YES, OF COURSE. THANK YOU, MR. MYOTIS.”

The bat smiled. “You did well. Try to relax when you get home.”

“RIGHT.”

He got to his feet then, and let Myotis lead him back out to the waiting room. As he approached his lovers, Daemon got up quickly, a little concerned.

“are you okay, master? did it go well?”

“YES, I AM FINE.” He rubbed under one socket. “I AM… A LITTLE TIRED. BUT DO NOT WORRY. I WOULD JUST LIKE TO GO HOME AND KNIT.”

“okay, master. we can go home.” He offered the end of the leash, which Howl took. Berry beamed at him, fiddling with that bandana as he took Daemon’s hand.

“I’M SO PROUD OF YOU, ANGEL,” his datemate said, and Howl felt his soul pulse with affection.

“THANK YOU, BERRY. WE CAN TRY TO HOLD HANDS IN A LITTLE WHILE.”

That made the swap skeleton quite pleased. After they ported home, Howl sank onto the couch and just collected himself for a moment, before pulling out his knitting and turning on the TV. He didn’t much focus on it; it was more of a background noise as his datemates sat beside him and they all relaxed for the evening.

When he bit the bullet and touched each of their hands an hour later, his gloves discarded, the burning was hardly there. He could have cried, but instead he just held on tightly, trying to memorize the feel of loving hands that would never, ever hurt him.

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter summary: Howl and the hypnotherapist, Myotis, discuss how his treatment will go and begin the first real session. Howl remembers when his jaw was broken while he was being abused, and briefly discusses how painful it was and that he still expects pain with any touch. He speculates that he doesn't want to disappoint his lovers, and it's alright that they want touch because they respect his boundaries. The session overall goes well, as his visceral reactions to the memories lessen greatly. He feels spacey afterwards, but he is assured it is normal, and he goes home with Daemon and Berry to knit for a while. When he holds their hands next, it hardly hurts, and he is very happy.


End file.
